'ello lads and lassies.

I've decided to revive this lovely blog that no one ever reads.

I've got that kind of ego.

Tonight is the law buddy social. Nothing cements the bond between a bitter burnt out law student and his(or her) frightened, overworked, undersexed newby law buddy like copious amounts of alcohol and a piano player. That's how I got pregnant the first time.

Newbies:

make your own outlines. or die the slow painful death of the unhireable.
drink when you can, study when you can, find comfort in the arms of who you can. Try not to mix more than two of the three together at any one time. Use your judgment. Don't rely on someone elses. They could be smarter than you. Chances are, they aren't. MEET KAT in the employment office. tell her that Dan sent ya.

Burnouts:

stop with the PC dread. It's gonna happen, you will survive, quit freaking whining about it. You aren't special. WE ALL HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE SAME THING. Suck it up.
That said, realize that the non-PC quarters are when you should be cutting loose a bit. So, have some freaking fun. No one regrets not studying enough on their death bed.

Superkids:

you people are in two groups. Those that are amazing, fun, smart human beings that I love to be around, and those that get all their jollies from looking down on those of us who make lower grades than you. To the former: can't wait to hang with ya. To the latter, can't wait to kick your socially retarded asses in court. A jury can smell arrogant asshole from a mile away. Good luck with that.

See you all around.

I have neglected my bastard child (this blog, not the other one) for far too long.

I find myself angry lately.

Is this some sort of midpoint of law school general malaise?

Is this some type of seasonal affective disorder?

Is this rampant fahrfenfluffer envy?

Or, is it simply a matter of bunched and twisted panties?

Let's analyze each.

1. I have come to the realization that I am NOT one of those people who will one day look fondly back on my days in law school. My oh-so-brief taste of the real world of law made me excited to practice. The prosecutors I worked with told me that I "had what it takes to be a good prosecutor". This, in my humble book, is a big thumbs up. Gradewise: I am currently ranked just above pocket lint, and slightly below jello. For those of you keeping score: Real World = Yay, BLS = there MUST have been a glitch in the system when we let this kid slip in.

2. I hate the fakeness of this season worse than any other. And why does Christmas start before Halloween now?

3. I do have the fahrenvy. But, truth be told, who doesn't? HE'S GETTING PAROLED!!! (graduation, same diff.)

4. Yes, I do have panty issues. No, I will not discuss them on this forum.


It seems my anger, much like this nation, is a melting pot. Except it's not a melting pot of people.

I bet a melting pot of people would smell bad.

Yay verily, I live.

Ah finals. Gone for now, but like the Herp, they shall soon rear their nasty little heads again.

I have a few things to comment about, regarding my finals, and post finals experiences.

But I won't.

Instead I'll focus on Halloween parties.

A few don'ts for those that care.

1. Slutty costume for a GIRL: Yay. Slutty costume for a GUY: Nay. Big freaking nay.
Unless, of course, you are going as Dr. Frankenfurter.

2. Size matters. If you are a size 46, please don't try to cram into a size two. Consider the following exchange:

guy 1: "what is the girl in the red and black supposed to be?"
guy 2: "I think she may be a saloon girl, crossed with a bratwurst"

Just be yourself. And if that self works much better as a size 46 saloon girl, be a size 46 saloon girl. Not a barely contained size 2 saloon sausage.

3. Catty comments. If you show up to a party, say as a dirty pirate hooker, and there happens to be another dirty pirate hooker at the party, I advise you not to make a comment to that other dirty pirate hooker that goes like this: "well at least I'm the hottest dirty pirate hooker at the party". Why? Because it's mean, and from a practical standpoint, before saying something like that, you should actually be the better looking dirty pirate hooker. And you weren't. Not even close.

4. Boxer briefs and fishnets. This only applies to girls. Ethan, you looked crazy hot.

5. Drunken canoodling. This is unacceptable. We have standards here at Baylor. One must only engage in quasi-drunken canoodling. This is the zone where inhibitions have been lowered, yet performance has been enhanced, not diminished. Men, know your limitations.

That's all for now.

I have to read the intro and first Chapter of "getting to Yes" for Osler.

Okay. Finals loom. A deep dark funk has settled in. Life has lost all sense of balance and meaning. So, to remind myself that there are good things in this crazy mixed up world, I decided to compose a "list o' happy". That's a list of things that bring out the happy. In me.
If my heart had cockles, these things would warm them.

I have love for these things:

1. Puppies. Yeah, I know that's kind of a no-brainer, but it's true. Little fuzzynugglets with big floppy ears, or long limbed and awkward with huge feet. Doesn't matter. All cute, all the time.

2. Campfires. I may be a closet pyro. I don't know the signs. I do know that the smell of woodsmoke will forever be associated with great memories of my father and grandfather.

3. The guy in the parking garage. Always makes me smile. Calls me "Doc". I like being called "Doc". I'm sure he calls everyone "Doc", but for a brief moment before I snag my coffee, I'm "Doc". Could be a medical doc. In my head, I'm Doc Holliday, and for that moment, I'm invincible.

4. Ham and Pineapple Pizza. Do I really need to explain this one? you either get it, or you don't.

5. The comedic stylings of Mitch Hedberg. If you don't know Mitch, you should pick up one of his CDs. Go with "Strategic Grill Locations". His was random humor, but he was second to none in delivery.

6. The musical stylings of Ray LaMontagne. If you don't know Ray, you should pick up one of his CDs. Go with "Trouble". Very bluesy, with a lot of emotion behind his vocals.

7. The literary stylings of Chuck Palahniuk. If you don't know Chuck, you should pick up one of his Books. Go with "Lullaby". Chuck writes like Vonnegut on a decades long acid trip. His stories are absurd, hilarious, and at times cringe-worthy. But they are never less than entertaining.

8. Kittens. Deep fried, grilled, pan seared. Doesn't matter to me. Just put them next to the green beans.

9. Random acts of Kindness. I saw a guy buy this little elderly couple's meal at McDonald's the other day. I had to resist the urge to pat him on the butt and say good game. Might have been a little awkward. It did make me happy to know that my fellow human beings still have the capacity to help one another out.

10. Numbered lists. They're so organized. And predictable. I need that stability in my life.

The Why.

It's simple really. You've all been told what to DO here in Law School, but no one is really offering valuable insight into what NOT to do. That's why you have me. I may end up being the most valuable commodity you will ever run across. I am the Vice Representative.

As good little law students, you'll need a step by step break down of the process. This falls under the "A" in IRAC.

Step One: "Vice" -->

a : moral depravity or corruption : WICKEDNESS
b : a moral fault or failing
c : a habitual and usually trivial defect or shortcoming : FOIBLE

Step Two: "Representative" -->

"serving as a typical or characteristic example"

As Vonnegut once said "I got into some perfectly delightful trouble, then I got back out of it."

I am the representative of:

1. Sloth (I'm sorry, you expect ME to actually write my OWN outlines? For more than one class?)
2. Envy (I am SOOOOOOO glad I didn't make Law Review.... all that extra work....maybe they'll get carpal tunnel.....)
3. Anger (If that kid in the next row blows his nose one more time, SO HELP ME GOD I WILL BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN!!!!!)
4. Lust (She should be ashamed of herself. She's holding that chalk like that on purpose. How am I supposed to concentrate on taking notes? Is she taking off her jacket? NOT THE SLEEVELESS SHIRT!! Foul temptress!)
5. There's like three more.... eh. Refer to number one.


But that's not ALL that this blog will be about. Oh no. I will offer amusing stories. Deep Meaningful insights. Tasty recipes involving 4 ingredients or less, and cheap and easy ways to make your guest bathroom "sparkle".

Think of me as the love child of Martha Stewart and Tom Sizemore.

And again, there is sloth in the mix. So don't expect regular postings. Or if you really like to be disappointed, expect regular postings. It's your life.